He's just not that into you: 6 tips on dealing with rejection
It starts the same way it always does… 'So there's this guy'. However the two of you managed to come together, let's say you are at that stage where you are finally going on your first date.
Cute outfit... check. Breath-mint on arrival... check.
Conversation flowed. A night full of cute flirty banter. Heck, you even bonded over your shared appreciation for taro bubble tea. When your friends ask you how it went, you give them that knowing giggle of a successful first date. In your mind, you know it's only a matter of time before you will be seeing each other again.
Fast forward to a week later. No call. No text. No nothing.
So you do what any normal girl does, you start to run through all the reasons you haven't heard from him…
Maybe he is just trying to play it cool and doesn’t want to come across as too keen
Maybe he is waiting for me to message him first
Maybe he sent the message but it didn’t come through
Maybe he just had a really busy week
And when you have exhausted all rational excuses, you start to scrape the barrel for a few worst case scenarios…
Maybe his phone reset itself and wiped my number
Maybe his grandma died
Maybe he got hit by a bus on his morning commute
By this point you know you have started to spiral. So you send him a message, just for a vibe check. After waiting for his reply to be delivered in the snail mail, all you receive are a few half-hearted replies before the convo dwindles out. Or worse still, no response at all. Either way, you get the message loud and clear that he doesn’t seem too keen on the idea of teeing up date numero dos.
So now you are left dwelling over all of the things you could have possibly done to make him lose interest...
Maybe I said something he didn’t agree with
Maybe he didn’t like what I wore
Maybe there is another girl on the scene that is way cooler than me
Maybe I misread the whole thing and he had a horrible time
Maybe he got freaked out because he actually liked me, but isn't looking for anything serious
Maybe he is just a player
Maybe it was to soon to tell him that my pet gopher sleeps in my bed
The list goes on…. but let me stop you right there. Because if he isn't reaching out, then I hate to be the one to break it to you… but maybe he's just not that interested.
Ouch! Sorry! That was painful even writing that. But according to science, there is a good reason for why the sting of rejection feel so real. In a study conducted by Kross et al. (2011), it was found that rejection actually activates the same area of the brain as when you experience physical pain.
So when you are done lying on the couch ruminating over the 101 reasons why things didn't work out, read below. Because I've got a few tips that might help to put your mind at ease.
1. Don't take it personally.
When you get rejected it can feel like a direct indication of your self-worth. But let me assure you, it is not. You could do and say everything perfectly on a date. But if it's with the wrong guy, then it still won't warrant a follow up text. There are an amplitude of reasons why that guy didn't care to see you again. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable, the timing was wrong, or he just straight up has different intentions towards dating than you do. Whatever the reason, know that another person's actions has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. The sooner you can understand this, the better your life will become.
2. Give yourself a reality check.
Finding guys that you genuinely vibe with can be few and far between. Trust me, I get it. But don't let yourself get caught up in the potential of someone. I know that you might have compatible star signs and all, but if he can't find the five seconds in his day that it would take to send you a message - then he really isn't that special. Move along girl! Because the sooner you walk away from him, the sooner you will open yourself up to all the other great guys out there who would kill to take you out.
3. Know your worth.
If expecting the bare minimum from someone (i.e. replying within a decent time-frame, showing a genuine interest in you) leaves you feeling like you are asking for too much, then they are not good enough for you. It is as simple as that. Don't put up with crappy behaviour from people that don't appreciate what a privilege it is to get to know you.
Is it easy to do the healthy thing and walk away from a guy that you genuinely like? No. But in the long run, accepting low-standard behaviour from someone will only lower your sense of self-worth. The type of guy you want exists. Keep looking. Don’t settle.
4. Accept it as part of the process.
So you caught feels for a guy and things didn't work out? Congratulations! You are now one guy closer to the right one. Dating is a series of trial and error. So to expect that you are going to meet the perfect guy after only a few attempts is (for the most of us) wishful thinking.
Think back to a time when you really wanted something to work out but it didn't. Do you regret how things turned out instead? Did the world stop spinning? Odds are, no. Taking a moment to reflect on past experiences in this way has always helped to put my mind at ease when I feel myself clinging too tightly to things that aren't meant for me.
If something isn't working out for you, trust that it wasn't meant to be. How could it? Or it would have been. This guy leaving you on read is the biggest blessing! Let's take a moment to be thankful that he showed how unworthy he is of your time and effort early on, rather than leading you on to believe he was anything more than simply a detour along the way.
5. Remember that the risk of rejection is worth the potential of a good outcome.
Let's face it, putting yourself out there takes courage. Especially if you have experienced rejection in the past. Would it be easier to sit at home snuggled up with your cat watching Netflix every Saturday night? Of course it would! But if you remove yourself from the game, you also remove yourself from the possibility of things actually working out. Take the time you need to recover from the hit of a failed dating attempt, but don't let it put you off getting back on the horse and trying again. Because the risk of rejection is so worth the potential of how great it will be when you finally meet Mr. Right.
6. Don't take yourself too seriously.
Rejection happens to all of us. It is a normal and natural part of life. Whether it be an unsuccessful job interview or not hearing back from a guy after a date - I have always found the experience of rejection to be quite humbling. Humbling in the sense that it reminds me that it is okay to not be perfect at everything. To not be the best, to fail sometimes. Oh, what a relief it is when you realise that you don't need to take yourself so seriously! So you showed him your tarot card collection and he wasn't into it? So what! In every failed dating attempt lies a priceless story to laugh about with your gal pals later.
Reference
Kross et al 2011, 'Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain', Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, vol. 108, pp. 146-150.
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