To the girl who taught me how to love myself...

I want to tell you about this new friend of mine. But first, let me tell you a story.  

Last weekend we went on an impromptu day trip together to a small rural town in Tasmania. It was about a three hour drive to get there. Just two girls, a long windy road, a dramatic landscape, and a deck of 'Were Not Really Strangers' cards to keep us entertained (because there is only so many times you can listen to that one offline saved playlist on repeat). If you haven't played this before. In essence, it is a card game that prompts deeper conversation. The only rule being a willingness to be vulnerable with your answers. What it sparked was a beautiful and honest conversation on life, love and everything in between. But there was this one question in particular that has really left me thinking.

'Who is someone you have met recently that has helped you to love yourself more?'

When read aloud, we both paused for a second. Before answering... 'you'. 

Why? Well we have a lot in common. A scary amount, actually. And our conversations seem to be a place where we have voiced a lot of ‘firsts’. You know, all those dark, deep and, well, let’s face it… sometimes intrusive thoughts you never allow to see the light of day. No fear of judgement. Nothing lost in translation. Just pure vulnerability and connection. Exhale. 

Below, a brief overview for context: 

Growing up shy. Painfully shy. Feeling shaky in social settings. Blushing at even the slightest bit of attention. Constantly being referred to as the quiet girl. Judging ourselves for this. Feeling nervous socially. Forgetting peoples names on first meetings because of this. A unique concoction of mental health struggles, self-doubt, family traumas and debilitating insecurities that only very few would understand. A tidal wave of unspoken emotion pouring out in a way that feels pure and sweet, like honey. With the common theme boiling down to a general feeling of not being 'enough'. The best part? Being able to laugh about it all. This might just be one of the most cathartic connections I have made with another human to date. I don't even remember how we got to a point in our friendship where we started comfortably voicing this stuff. But hey, I'm so glad that we did. 

I've never met someone else who has embodied everything I feel inside so closely. Heck, we even kinda look the same. To some degree, it's like meeting myself in someone else's body. It's real. It's imperfect. It's human. And in all honesty, it's actually quite endearing. If you asked me to describe her to someone, I'd say she is warm, confident and beautiful. But something about that description feels slightly superficial. Knowing her in this light, I can now see that that she is so much more than that. This girl, she is a warrior. 

So, riddle me this...

If I can say that with so much assurance about her (and we have so much in common), why does this not come as easily when I try to say it about myself? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Am I alone in this feeling? Or are we all programmed to view other peoples reflection through a slightly rosier (and far less critical) lens than our own? 

To the ghosts of a shy girl's past...

To everyone who ever told me I was too quiet, too shy, too timid. To the people who told me to speak up more. That I was the weird one. Or constantly asked me if I even talk? Im tired of carrying the weight of your opinions. You do not serve me anymore. You are not needed for where I am headed. Permission to let go. 

From as young as I can remember, people always used to make a big deal about my shy personality. Naturally, I internalised these thoughts as my own. In turn, making a bigger deal out of this personality 'flaw' than I probably needed to. To this day I can still hear those voices in my head of everyone who ever told me (or implied) that being quiet was a weakness. 

My whole life I have felt this internal separation between who I naturally am, and who the world tells me I 'should' be. Louder. Bubblier. More confident. More enthusiastic. Just... more. Don't worry. I'm not saying that striving towards these things are necessarily bad. Or something I wouldn't benefit from. But I am tired of being in a state of constant resistance and disdain towards this part of myself. 

The funny part is, the most confident moments of my life have been the times where I (or those around me) give me 100% permission to just be myself. 

No bells and whistles. Just me. 

I can only look back on that girl in school with a deep sense of empathy. Well that, and with an urge to offer just one golden nugget of advice. Don't let your sister cut your fringe in year 3 (you will thank me for this later). 

Throughout my high school years, the feeling of painful shyness and general social inadequacy persisted. It was only in college (yrs 11&12) I'd say that I finally started to 'come into myself' (because that's what everyone says us shy gals need to eventually conquer...right?). It was here that I meshed with a beautiful group of girls that I finally felt connected to and could genuinely be myself around. From then onwards I'd say my confidence levels have been on a relatively upward trajectory (with the occasional set back in an ill-suited environment, of course). But in all honestly. It's like no matter how much I grow to appear more confident and self-assured on the exterior. I still always feel like that shy little girl in school that was made to feel so small. 

Drowning out the noise

Be kind to yourself. People will love you for who you are. Being soft isn't a weakness. You don't have to be the loudest person in the room. They don't care if you are shy. People aren't judging you. Nobody is overthinking this sh*t as much as you are. Everything is okay, Serena. 

Above, just a small excerpt of the self talk I try to interject when I can feel my mind going to that place. I speak candidly when I say that it can feel really hard to keep this up sometimes. To put an analogy to it, it feels like I'm swimming upstream. Lose focus for a second and I'll be swept right back down to the waterfall of untamed self doubt that is my mind. 

Where to from here?

Does coming to terms with this mean I am a completely healed human that will never feel any of this again? Absolutely not. By nature, there will always be that part of me that is initially shy and can feel really awkward and nervous socially. To an extent, it's part of my wiring. And after many years of hating this about myself, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's actually quite okay. It's not something I need to erase from my personality. The right people will love me for it. But there is one person in particular that my delicate little soul craves unconditional approval from the most. Myself. 

If you are a long time reader of this blog then by now you might have picked up on the fact that I like to asign meaning to things that happen in my life. And let me tell you, this is no exception. This friendship happened (read: flourished) for a reason. That, I know for sure. 

If you are reading this, you know who you are. Thank you for helping me to learn how to love myself. Oh, and by the way... I think we are due for another bottle of Pet Nat soon (hehe).